worldwideeyed

2003-09-25T11:22:00.000-07:00

two friends of mine in the last few years have fallen in love with people i have tried to fall in love with myself.

what does that mean?

2003-09-12T17:24:00.000-07:00

An excellent biography of the late Man in Black.

I would give anything for the passion and drive this man had, or to share such a love with anyone as he did with his wife. I'd be lying if I said I was a huge fan -- I have a few albums, and I'm aware of the large scope of his work -- but something about him has always appealed to me, and I know how large his influence looms.

Among other things, I learned from this that he even influenced hip hop -- he released an album called Five Feet High and Rising, surely the innfluence for the De La album Three Feet High and Rising.

Another thought on this: Everything about today has made me want to learn as much about him as possible, and hear as much of his music as possible. It would be a good day for AppleMusic or somewhere to make a killing by selling bulk deals on his records -- at decent prices, there's no telling how much I would buy.

R.I.P. I hope you are with your wife already.

2003-09-05T09:21:00.000-07:00

here in san diego it's like it is every day, generally pleasant and nondescript. some days its hot, but most days it makes me forget that there are places in the world that have weather. here i just think of it as atmosphere.

2003-08-29T09:34:00.000-07:00

Last night I participated in a music preference focus group for MusicPoll.com, testing my preference and tolerance for several iterations of rock 'n' roll. Over three hours, I listened to some six hundred and seventy five-second clips of tracks. I filled in bubbles on a five-point scale of preference, with a separate bubble to indicate if I was "tired of" a song, and another set to list any of four local radio stations I would associate with the particular song. As I've only been here a few weeks and am not much of a radio listener -- having only heard one of the stations, really -- that part was easy.

About midway through the samples -- of which there were about 150-200 too many -- it became clear to me that my problem with the test was my problem with radio itself -- too much of too little. Of the samples, I probably heard about thirty tracks by U2 alone--probably every single they've put out since The Joshua Tree. Ditto for Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Radiohead, the Police, Jane's, and several other bands. I was surprised to hear some varieties -- a lot of Elvis Costello, Clash, and some other stuff -- but in general, the prevailing idea came to seem like "How much of the same old shit can we throw at you?" I heard probably every track of Bob Marley's Legend -- but not a single other representation of reggae, not even Sean Paul.I heard very little that I haven't heard before and way too much of things I have. I like Radiohead more than the average man -- they're easily one of my top three bands and number one on any given day -- but after hearing almost everything they've ever released as a single, I was inclined to vote "tired" on a few tracks.

94.9 FM, here in San Diego, has impressed me more than any radio station ever. They tend to play a pretty wide variety within rock and roll, and impressed me with their willingness for -- and even dedication to -- playing older stuff, not just the most recent single put out. Sure, I've heard things I don't like, like Audioslave, the worst possible result out of such a talented crew, but I've also heard little-known Fugazi tracks, stuff from The Bends, and other things. So I can only hope that they don't fall prey to thinking that I want to hear every Pearl Jam song ever.

2003-08-25T19:04:00.000-07:00

About this time one year ago, I tool my first vacation weekend in Costa Rica. Along with several students from the MesoAmerica language school and a few of their friends, I traveled down to the Pacific coast ro Parque Nacional Manuel Antonio, a beautiful coastal reserve filled with international travelers, monkeys, purple land crabs, and perfect, warm water.

There were nearly ten of us, all told, but I was all alone. Just three weekends into my experience, and not particularly close to any of my traveling companions, I was merely in their midst. I took my own bus down there, leaving after work on Friday afternoon, and while I was travelling I devoured Motherless Brooklyn, by Johnathan Lethem. Motherless Brooklyn is the story of a kid with Tourette's, his experiences growing up in Brooklyn and the fatehr figure in his life, ultimately becoming a tale of his investigation into his mentor's murder. I flew through it on that bus ride, first just trying to pass the time but as I got deeper into the story eventually reading against time, hoping to and eventually succeeding in finishing the book before the sun finished the day. I laughed at the comical potrayal of the proteagonist's battle with verbal spasms and felt a kinship with his thought pattern. More than anything, I felt like the person I wanted to be, a reader, independent, in search of adventure while also fascinated by someone else's.

The weekend was something. Not great, but not bad, it was a tough mixture of people, finances, and desires -- ranging from a broke college kid supporting himself and his Costa Rican host brother to a thirtysomething evangelist with money to share. I fell somewhere in the middle -- closer in spirit to the kid, closer in dollars and sense of responsibility to the preacher. We ended up trying to skip out of a $7 hotel room only to be caught for not paying for a $50 one -- staff saw us there the next morning and presumed we had stayed the night, because we had snuck in the back after sneaking out back of our hostel, and we had to go back and pay for our room to prove our story. I spent the rest of the weekend trying to stay cheap and not get sunburnt, and left before everyone else early Sunday afternoon. It was not the best weekend I had there, but it was better than spending it in front of the television, which I did often. Not spending money is very difficult no matter where you are.

I think of all this now because I am reading another Lethem book right now, which is not as engrossing, and because my life is currently spent trying to recover from the risk I took to go there. I had no idea the financial straits I was putting myself in, and though I think I would have gone anyway -- I don't really know anything I wouldn't have gone for at that time -- I feel I'm caught in a bind greater than expected. Away from my friends, but not excited to be here, anything but independent, really, and just sort of confused, trying to plot a big move.

So it goes. There's risk in every reward, and I cashed the reward before the risk. One more reason to be thankful for someone being willing to provide a break for me, like I always wanted out of my family

2003-08-15T14:23:00.000-07:00

Okay then. Thankful of the opportunity as opposed to regretful of the loss. But must accept it as is -- I ‘m not fighting for anything more, here, am I?

Stop and be graceful. The context of the situation is like no other — that perfect balance of pro and con, sliced so thin and so even — do I step forward into the future or stay true to my past? I suppose the truth is that I already made the decision, on a phone call overlooking the ocean, and I just need to make that step — sure to happen over the next few weeks.

I am writing this directly onto a computer from a rooftop in San Diego. Though I am not, it is entirely plausible that I could be connected to the Internet from here, and in being so, connected to more of a community than my life nowadays consists of. But don’t end your sentences with prepositions, chief, and besides, you’ve already been over this.

Convenient parking is way back.

They say everyone has a story, and the fact that you have a completely unique perspective on anything is reason enough to write about it. I’ve never been able to get with that. I don’t disagree with it, but neither have I felt it’s message over the years.

Goddamn automatic capitalization.

The first person to tell me to write was my art teacher, Dr. Peter Kinney, my senior year of high school. I still have the paper — as self-deprecating as the beginning of any of my writing tends to be.

2003-08-07T13:40:00.000-07:00

for the first time last night, in so many words, someone asked me the question i've been fearing for years:

why don't i have a blog?

to read the question here, you might be surprised by the "fear" element -- because, obviously, i do have a blog.

what i don't have is a blog i have designed beyond the template, that i update regularly, or that i am especially proud of.

2003-07-15T23:28:00.000-07:00

damn, i lost all the flow i had back on my way here, home tonight. i went out of the house for three reasons today -- to avoid a ticket for street sweeping, to change my loose change into paper, and to visit jenny/watch reality tv/hopefully (and successfully) catch a puffdown.

i leave here in a week. actually, i leave here in two days, am gone for four, and then return to deal with the Department of Vehicular Matters in re: a penalty for running a red light under the watchful eyes of a Camera Cop. A microcosm of last summer, a last party, whatever, life is about to change.

in the city life ain't pretty but you know its alive
highs and lows come by the hour, people strivin' to thrive
density pressures the masses as the volume increases
you pick up so much from other people but its only in pieces
but the one thing you can ask from life is to be part of such presence
avoiding all the facts don't equate to learning life lessons
it don't matter where your from so much as it matters you're here
we gonna hit you with the spirit of the city, no fear

that last line sucks, and it took way too long to flow, but not bad.

2003-07-06T22:12:00.000-07:00

the way out is through.

i've believed that for such a long time -- and to less of an extent than completely necessary, yet occasionally impressive nonetheless, i have chosen to and tried going straight through, perhaps dulling my pain but not outright ignoring it.

2003-06-19T23:32:00.000-07:00

for the last 13 months, pretty much, i've been running from one place to the next, always eager to go. i just got here a week ago and i really like it;

2003-05-28T14:17:00.000-07:00

i had a moment of zen on my over here. crossing the bay bridge and hearing closer to fine on the radio reminded me of the '96 Newport Folk Festival, when I did this for a friend. Hearing the song reminded me of the story, and since I still have the sign in storage somewhere, I will go get it, take a picture of it, and post that and the song here too, and we can have a very multimedia experience together, all of us here.

2003-05-20T09:58:00.000-07:00

would comments work?

2003-05-07T10:46:00.000-07:00

my idea of heaven is this:

you have a comfortable office, tailored to the preferences you exhibited during the life you have just completed. on your desk is a large book that contains statistical breakdowns of your time -- everything from vital stats such as height, weight, and blood type to breakdowns of things like food and drink consumed or how time was spent to things you wouldn't think you get to ever know, like times you made someone's day to how many people ever secretly had a crush on you that you never knew about. there's a cd-rom for those who might prefer to see such stats and graphs on a screen, and all the time you want to look at these stats, absorb the lessons andmake observations about your soul's habits. when you have decided you've seen enough, you walk out the door and are reborn as a baby whose own statistics will reflect some of the greater trends within an absolutely different context and time.

btw: coachella was pretty good. it's been difficult to talk about and seem positive, mainly because it just wasn't as good as the other years, but it was still pretty fun. Pictures are here.

Let's see if that link worked out, and then check back.

2003-04-23T10:52:00.000-07:00

i woke up this morning with a strained or sprained ankle. i have no idea why.

i went to bed feeling fine, and awaiting the ten hours of sleep which have become alarmingly customary these days. instead, i woke up at 6 or so to tremendous pain in my ankle. i walked to the bathroom in severe pain, and took a few aleve, but could not return to sleep. at seven thirty or so i gave up sleeping and went upstairs, where i caught a rare morning glimpse of kipper. i am restrained to the couch i have been restraining myself to anyway, with two episodes of Six Feet Under left to complete season one. I just hope its better before Coachella this weekend.

My freshman year in college, in my first semester, I wrote a weekly paragraph for a writing workshop class that eroticized the process of toothbrushing. i now have a motorized toothbrush, and have been thinking about redoing the paragraph.

2003-03-04T21:47:00.000-08:00

to err, tremendously, on the side of caution.

2003-01-26T12:43:00.000-08:00

A funny story: On my way back from teh shore yesterday I was accosted by six evangelists. As I was sitting on the back corner of the bus I couldnt really get away from them. The first one talked to me for a while about whether or not I had ever sinned. Thinking I was better off saying yes than no, I said I had. She told me I needed to be born again. The thing was, her English wasn't very good so I kept thinking she was saying I needed to burn again which I didnt like very much. Anyway, we talked for a while, me refusing her salvation and questioning teh credibility of her "true" church. At a rest stop no less than five other people on the bus came up to tell me a few things: one, that my Spanish was pretty good, and her English pretty bad, and she should probably not proceed in English, and 2, that they were nuts.

Anyway this probably isnt as funny as it was, but elt me tell you teh two highlights. First, I asked her when her church began. She said, sometime before the Vietnam War, then revised that to Korea. I asked her to be more specific, and she said like 1654 or something like that. I asked her if she realized that 1654 was 300 some odd years before Vietnam, and why she would give Vietnam or Korea as a reference point, and this only baffled her.

Second, after a while, I said, because we had talked a great deal about Adam and Eve and original sin, I asked how I could know that she wasn't the devil, trying to deceive me like the serpent did in the Garden. She looked at me, really pissed, then turned away, said I don't feel good, and threw up into a plastic bad which she then threw out the window. She says it was from being at teh back of the bus ans trying to read but I think I just made teh devil lose her breakfast.

2002-12-31T13:02:00.000-08:00

in a preemeptive strike against a new years resolution, in a year for which if i dont start writing consistently i think maybe i can kiss all hopes of long term success good bye, i want to jot down a quick little note about one person. my roommates always say they will write a list of all the crazy cats we've met down here .. todd, martin, brandon, etc.... but when i came back here yesterday, i saw a guy i see from time to time, who makes me smile like nobody's business.

he's a guy who runs the bus lines, drum in hanfd, tryiung to raise money for himself. he looks well dressed, though you figure that if he is playing drums for colones on the bus all day hes not that well off. and he wails. in his quest tpo save vcosta rican music, he plays everything from murmered illegible spanish tunes to [day-oh. me say day-ay-ay -oh, all with a flair i cant entirely describe. i dont think he speaks english, but rather just has memorized certain phrases. either way, his calm, funloving demeanor, despite what seems to be not the easiest life, speak volumes about the costa rican attitude. love him. thanks, guy.

2002-12-25T11:46:00.000-08:00

god damn it.

my friend molly once said that consistency, she thinks, is the hardest thing there is. don't i know it by now.

it has been nearly 45 days since i have published here. which means that every passing thought, every simple idea or developed paragraph that has run through my head has not made it down to paper. i can blame it on mot having a personal computer but the truth is my laziness to blame, my missing true passion, my well-worn spot in the couch was made by me, no one other than me.

like that night turning the corner and not knowing for a second if i had suddently fouind myself back in the u.s.s.a. or coming across the first restaurant i ate at in costa rica, > okay i did do that one. the point is i know i should have done so much more, so so much more.

so a new year is coming. and i may have a laptop with me this time around, to work on when i see fit. but the point is, by any means necessary, it is time to motivate. to get in shape, to read more, to write more, to set myself up at thirty to be in the place i want to be >> successful, directed, rockin.

so this is me uncluttered. if you see flowers, let them grow.

2002-10-24T11:26:00.000-07:00

i must admit, i'm hella surprised that teh dc area sniper is a black man, or two black men.

granted, there has been nothing like this case in history, to the best of my knowledge. random shootings, with no apparent motive specific to any of the victims; no links exist between any of them, not race, gender, age, anything except relative geographic location.

which is why this shocks me. for the last ten years or so, the only ones i want to claim having been responsible for paying attention to, relatively anonymous slaughters by rifle have been committed by white men -- be it schoolkids in colorado, oregon, alabama, kentucky and more, or the office shootings in atlanta and elsewhere. when people have seemed to snap and start shooting at people without specific personal motives, its been white guys behind the trigger. july 4ths shooting at LAX is the only example that comes to mind, though i haven't done any research. when black guys go shooting at each other, it seems confined to gang violence, where there is at least a motive for the group, if not the specific individuals that get shot.

i don{t know what it means when a black man, or two, goes off on a spree like this, except that it reenforces my belief that america is a very very angry country.

and that, even in the comfort of this relatively nonviolent land where i was not exposed to harm, i'm very very glad its over.

2002-10-15T12:54:00.000-07:00

the other night, searching for a used bookstore (where i triumphantly found underworld in hardback for $5.50), i came across teh restaurant where i had my first meal in costa rica, on may 9.

at the time, we were fresh travellers walking around, looking for the promised cheap meal, and mainly something quick and easy. i had no idea at the time how close i was to downtown, to all the excitement and chaos of an area i know pretty well now. in the first hours of my independent journey, i was looking for stability.

now, its just another cheap restaurant, one of many, and i have come so far as to never eat there again.

2002-10-03T11:54:00.000-07:00

choice, choices

my friend kathleen returned from new york a few weeks ago after taking a brief hiatus from costa rica to go photograph the year anniversary of 9-11.¨how was it?¨ i asked her.

¨it was great,¨ she said. ¨you can walk into a convenience store and choose any kind of gum you want.¨

not being a gum chewer, and being more interested in new york that day and her experience there, i didn´t think about this statement for a few weeks. but as my time here passes, and i become more accustomed to the way of life down here, i have begun to think about that statement and what it means to me.

costa rica, though still supposedly a third world country, is very metropolitan and capitalized, especially in san jose. there are plenty of shops and bars and casinos, and the people, at least those with some money, are well dressed and go out like we do. still, there is a minimalist feel to the place, and it has to do with the level of production that costa rica is capable of -- exactly what makes it third world still. you cannot get any kind of gum here. there are two beers made domestically, and though imports are available, the cost makes them prohibitive to most -- i mean, two dollars for a beer? never! there are less television channels and fewer places to go, less recreational activities, fewer soft drinks and varieties of restaurants and in general, less of each kind of thing, though more or less the same amount of things.

choices are fewer, and to those who know no different, it doesn't bother them. to those who are me, it can get frustrating.

not so much the beers, or the restaurants; i don't really mind it so much. it actually has more to do with an inability to adapt when something breaks down. for instance, internet service in the country has been slow all week. there is only one provider here, a government agency, and they are dependent for their connection on a sattelite feed via new york and miami. this is the week of article writing, and i do not have enough information to fill the 1500 words i need for panama and nicaragua. thus, i need access. and when it bails, i have no choice. i can't go somewhere with a different provider or switch to aolcompuserveetc. i sit and wait. and wait, and wait, and wait, until a patch is put up. i have no choice.

which leads me to think about the us and capitalism and competition and all that. as i think most of us on my mailing list probably do, i have my reservations about the american way. competititon and the urge to make a dollar has led to overkill, abused resources, abused third world nations, and more. our gluttony is the ire of many nations, and our feeling of ownership caused in part by our ability to have it all is the cause of trouble all over the world. still, when you have a problem, you can get it fixed. our competition has yielded many superior products and services, many of which i miss a great deal down here. nevertheless, i get the feeling down here that we{d be better off with a little less to choose from :: especially so many things to choose from that we forget to choose some of the most important things, like taking time with family and friends, like keeping aware of how the rest of humanity is doing, like taking care of our bodies. i can tell you this :: there are very few fat people down here, and the lack of some of our choices has something to do with it.

just my thoughts, now that i finally have access and can write them down.

2002-09-25T16:05:00.000-07:00

it´s a rainy day in costa rica. a week ago, i would have followed that up by saying that that only meant it was a day in costa rica, but the rains have let up a little in the past week, and not every day is rainy anymore. so today is noticed for its precipitation.

time has been dragging in the past few weeks. when i am not specifically writing for or revising the magazine, i am in reading mode. during these weeks, my duty is essentially to read the news from the countries i am covering (panama, guatemala, and nicaragua this month) and keep up to date with them. this is a job that only takes a few hours of a day, but for want of anythis else to do, i stick around in the office and try and read and pick up other things in the meantime. though i have been more disciplined in the öther things¨department than last month, i still find myself having a tough time self motivating to do other things. i need to start reading books at work, i believe. otherwise the days drag on and i feel like a slacker.

i haven´t been teaching, either, which leaves my evenings prone to prolonged bouts of television gazing. i right now don´t think i should concentrate on the things i am doing wrong, especially in how much tv i watch, but i think i´m beginning to annoy.

this weekend i head to the beach, i hope, in search of surf. i think some time to myself, to feel some independence and freedom, is in order.

i haven´t smoked pot in a while, which has been okay. i went through a craving last weekend, but i think that was tied to loneliness and generally having teh self destructive urges i do when i am bored. i´ve curbed them okay, but not entirely, though i did stop short of going into mcdonalds the other day.

i dont want to continue with this post.

2002-09-19T13:54:00.000-07:00

having spent a bit of time reading in foriegn affairs and thinking about the news lately, i am finding myself at a crossroads of thought and opinion regarding the united states, economics, politics and the future of the world.

i don't like how america has used its foreign policy in the last fifty years, plain and simple. i'm no expert on the world, but i do know about central america pretty well, and what we have done here -- really for the last hundred and fifty years, but especially since 1954 -- is to treat the region as our testing ground, and our spare parts and resources junkyard. under teh auspices of the monroe doctrine, which declared this our sphere of influence, united states governments and businesses have aggressively consumed what we can from the area, with little to no regard for the lives and well being of the citizens of the area. there is a lot of history to this, too much to write out here and now, but the general pattern is that we use the resources of the land inappropriately, and sell the results for profits which never find their way back to the natives of the land. attempts to govern in a pattern unsupportive of this structure are deemed threats and overtaken, even if they were elected in the democratic methods we preach.

and yet, here we find ourselves in 2002, and without sufficient time in europe to speak in regard, the american system is among the best in the world. surely, i believe there are improvements to be made >> for a nation with our wealth, we have terrible education and health care, and care far too little about the welfare of our own citizens.

but we do create wealth. and wealth, money, like it or not, will be a requirement to survive in the world for a long time coming. and in that regard, i think bringing capitalism to central america is a necessity.

i've lost myself. i'll be back later.

2002-09-13T16:43:00.000-07:00

contact >>

traffic in costa rica, like other central american cities and countries that i have visited, is akin to the motion of schools of fish in the ocean. there are large tides of movement, prone to sudden and violent changes of direction and speed, and yet nothing ever seems to touch.

it's stunning, really, and beautiful while frightening. there are rules down here, more or less the same rules that norteamericanos abide by. drive on the right hand side of the road, stop at red lights and stop signs, maintain reasonable speeds, and use your lights at night. but while gringos more or less stay constrained by these rules, here they are bent at will, sometimes logically, sometimes not. most gringos will wait through the duration of a red light, even in the middle of the night, until it changes or until it takes infuriatingly long. ticos will roll up and treat it as though it's a stop sign, relatively innocuous behavior, before continuing on. but u.s. drivers also see one lane as fit for one car, whereas a lane here is defined as sufficient asphalt to bear all four tires. there are drainage ditches on the sides of the road in costa rica, often up to two feet deeper than the road, making such brazen passes and turns as occur here perilous. gringos wait in line at lights as well, a rule which, though abided by most ticans, is certainly not law. i have seen taxis whirl around as many as fifteen other cars to get to the front of a line, and no one honks or brandishes firearms. i've also seen cars, buses and trucks make high speed passes around blind mountain curves. but what i haven't seen, in six weeks here, is a single accident. each taxi ride is a cheap thrill, each bus ride a test of courage and faith.

while cars and buses may not collide here, people certainly do, as costa rica is a small land with a small population. there are roughly 4 milllion people here, including about one million in the san jose area. spread across a life expectancy of 76 years, that makes about 50,000 people per year. a northamerican friend warned me not to say anything i didn't want everyone else to hear, and he's right >> because that seemingly isolated friend you are talking to probably dated the brother of a coworkers sister of the person you are talking about, and though it hasn't bitten me yet, i've seen where news travels really fast. talk travels around here, and everyone knows someone, so don't burn any bridges, i guess.

just my thoughts on a friday, trying to keep up the habit of writing. more soon, one would hope.

2002-09-06T15:07:00.000-07:00

well, it's been three weeks since i have posted here; mainly dueto a thematic writing block. much has changed, i imagine, though little seems to be all that different. my daily routine is more or less the same. one thing is certainly consistent --with the exception of a longing two days back to be at dollar wednesday witnessing those amazing a's do it again, there is nowhere i'd rather be than here.

the last time i wrote i was beginning to compile information and resources to begin writing my first series of articles; those articles went to press (a phrase i can use now, que sabroso soy yo) this afternoon. though i am pretty pleased overall with how they turned out, and my editors seemingly feel the same, i learned a lot from the process about how i can make everything a little better, more thorough and dynamic, and also avoid some of the pitfalls i had this time around. i'd give myself a b for the month; the goal is straight a-s from here on out. it's the only way i can go if i choose to be satisfied with the experience. i am here to work hard, and i worked just enough this time around. note that a b is the grade i got throughout life without putting in the effort to get anything else.

i also started teaching, an experience that i can not yet summarize. i have one class with one student, a driven older man named carlos who already speaks pretty well, and who i mainly work on rhythm, pronunciation, and idioms with, that class has been great, though it ends on monday. i started another class on tuesday only to find out wednesday the class had requested my replacement. apparently, they didn't like that i shared with them my limited experience, they also balked when i didn't know the answer to a question. i had been explaining the difference between a and an, and had said that an is used with words that begin with a vowel or a vowel sound. they asked for an example of a word that begins with a vowel sound, and i couldn't come up with one of the top off my head, which apparently was too much for them. though i am slightly disappointed in this, especially as it was my first real class, it's okay, the class was all the way across town anyway. (for the record, hour beings with a consonant but a vowel sound, should it come up.)

my living and social situations have upgraded coinsiderably. with two neighbors, midwestern girls who attended purdue, i now find myself in the nicest apartment i have lived in, big blue's charm notwithstanding. we have plenty of room, a patio, and great furniture that isn't broken down like in my prior abode; i have a private bathroom with hot water and a window that brings in perhaps too much sunlight, as i am up by six or so every day. my roommates are interesting and i am still getting to know them; one is tied a little too closely to her boyfriend for me to get to know well, although she is the one i relate to better, the other is quite my opposite, although easy to talk to, and i find that i pass most of my thoughts off of her. it has made me realize, profoundly, how lucky i have been to live with roommates i get along with and love. we will see how it turns out in the end, but i am sure all will be well.

i have seen a good bit more of marcela, and it amazes me that someone i more or less randomly kissed in a bar is someone i find so intriguing; i don't know if we are per se dating as of yet, but we certainly really like each other. the weeks have brought some elements of the good and the bad about her, that is to say, she's not an angel -- but neither am i. our relative foibles are pretty much in line, and we relate well, which has been great. if i have anything against her, its that her favorite basketball team is the utah jazz -- i mean, what? -- and that she likes roger clemens, even though she doesn't like the yankees. she does like the a's, however -- a big mark mulder fan -- and that's as good as gold to me.

beyond that, life is progressing. i have been monitoring the US news pretty often, mainly in hopes that one day we will call off this senseless and extremely dangerous idea of starting another war with iraq. oscar arias, former president of costa rica and nobel peace prize winner, wrote an excellent editorial about rising anti american sentiment that i will try to add to this. i will be interested to hear about everyone's experience with next week's Carnival of Grief; though I certainly think an event such as this should clearly be remembered, what I notice most is how little the US seems to have changed in the past year, and how sorry we seem to feel for ourselves. It's a shame to me that the event provoked no long term change in our national attitude of manifest destiny and divine right.

next week i am thinking of going north to the shore to participate in a scuba clean up effort,hoping that it will yield some free diving. i don't know the details, they are part of my weekend mission. other than that, we have a housewarming party tonight and i am looking forward to catching some pro football this weekend. pura vida, vida libre!

2002-08-16T14:33:00.000-07:00

Crime and Passion

In two weeks in the rich coast, I have come to acclimate myself quite comfortably. I have settled into a typical routine, become comfortable in my Spanish (meaning that I do less translating in my head during conversations and am more able to flow in the language) and met many wonderful people, both ticos (native Costa Ricans) and travellers alike.

Two things are especially noteworthy to me so far :: the amount of crime, and the amount of romance in the air. Most everyone I speak to here, both native and foreign, has been the victim of some sort of street crime or break in. Indeed, my friend´s bag was stolen from beneath her chair today as we sat at lunch, while three of us were chatting, and none of us noticed until we got up to leave. A housemate of mine was mugged on his way home from work last week. Not speaking Spanish, it took a few minutes of listening to this his assailant´s rambling and the brandishing of a knife before he knew he was being robbed. The story is interesting to me for two reasons: One, that he managed to convince the mugger to let him keep a 2000 colon bill, slightly more than $5, and only take c5000, because he needed to eat and get home, and two, that the mugger began to shed tears and bang his head against a post in frustration after the incident, apparently angry and disappointed with himself for having to resort to crime.

Costa Rica is the safest and best overall nation in Central America, ranking 43rd on the UN Human Development Index (Norway is number 1, the United Stateds ranks sixth). It boasts 96% adult literacy, excellent and still state owned utilities and schools, and an overall high standard of living, and in this regard it is surprising that such common street crime exists. By all accounts, it is the work of a few skilled artisans, who have developed techniques and mastered the knowhow of using what they come up with. On average, your credit card will be used, or attempted, within fifteen minutes of the burglary. The moral is, carry nothing more than what you need, and keep it attached to you at all times. I have not been hassled once yet, and I keep a c500 note separate from my other money in hopes of convincing any would be assailants that I have nothing more to give.

Passion abounds in public Costa Rica as well, due to the fact that most ticos live with their parents until they are wed, and thus do most of their courting in parks, malls, and the street. On my over to this internet cafe from work, no more than a ten minute walk, I saw no less than a dozen couples in various stages of embrace on the campus of the UCR. This, in a similar though clearly different manner to crime, was slightly discomforting at first; though now, with understanding and exposure, I am less bothered by the sights of lovers in the parks, restaurants, bus stops and bars. In addition, many ticos and ticas are more aggressive and forthright in their interests; I and my foreign friends have been approached by women who want to tell us we are attractive or test the wares right then and there. This too has its ups and downs, but I believe I found an up at a local bar the other night. Her name is Marcela, she is 28, and has just returned from several months in San Antonio, Texas, where she was visiting her uncle and enjoying the sights and sounds of the States. She speaks English, though refuses to in her country unless needed, works for a sports book (a significant enterprise here, offshore gambling), and is otherwise quite enjoyable to be in around in our limited time together.

Sex is in the air in other ways locally as well. AIDS awareness posters abound, and condoms, both male and female, are available for sale at the checkout counter of most supermarkets :: something that caught my eye in a predominately Catholic nation. I guess to some extent this serves as an appropriate metaphor for my impression of Costa Rica to date -- steeped in and passionate about its past, but with a clear and perceptive eye towards its future. So far, I love it, every step.

2002-08-09T17:22:00.000-07:00

i have been here a week, and been overwhelmed, overjoyed, and amazed. i have met many great people all of whom attest to the incredible opportunity that awaits me, and i cannot wait to begin myself.

this journal should help, and i will work with it more and more often as time goes on. as i begin to get a grip on this region, and what goes down here, and where i am going from here.

hasta luego......

2002-07-27T19:42:00.000-07:00

a punto de salir. in five nights, i will be back in costa rica, to stay, for quite some time. years seem to pass quickly now, although months themselves do not, and this may prove to be quite a long time. i find myself, though excited, staring this down with more fear than i had anticipated. fear that i cannot afford this, fear that i do not have the long term interest to make this worthwhile (which is ridiculous in that even if this is not part of my life's work, it will be a great experience >> that much i do know and do not fear), fear that it just won't be the same for me when i return. we shall see. i suppose what is most true is that i need to get going, to get into the experience. anticipation, in this case, sucks.

2002-07-10T18:30:00.000-07:00

new beginnings, right?

2002-03-06T14:33:00.000-08:00

because i've seen similar lists in my daily surfing, although i don't remember where nor do i care to look so as to link to them, here's a list of 100 things about me.

1) i have now been told by three people, right off the bat, that i am a good kisser.
2) i once shot a bird, point blank more or less, with a BB gun. i don't remember it well, but i do recall that it provided neither satisfaction nor remorse.
3) at this moment, i feel capable of doing anything but my job.
4) like the true scorpio i am, i am loyal but will also bite your ass if you fuck with me.
5) i curse way too much, and it's beginning to bother me.
6) sometimes i think that the only way to real change in this country actually might require some serious, serious overhauling and revolting. along the lines of forcibly ousting people from their positions of power.
7) my favorite colors are blue and green, and i dress accordingly.
8) i own no striped clothing, unless you count one pair of socks with stripes at the top.
9) i have lived in pennsylvania, indiana, texas, connecticut, and california, in that order.
10) more accurately, i have lived in PA, IN, PA, TX, CT, TX, CT, CA.
11) when i was in the 9th grade, and turned 15, i had lived in almost a dozen different houses.
12) i became a more involved sports fan because my roommate is, and he is an avid conversationalist, and i wanted to be able to at least keep close to pace in the conversation.
13) i have smoked pot at least 6 days a week for the last 5 years. i consider myself adddicted.
14) there are often discrepancies between who i think i am and how i act.
15) i have done stupid things for love, like spend a whole summer cleaning out a cat and trash infested abandoned apartment to raise cash to fly to visit a girl who i had only met for a week, an event which turned out to be pretty disasterous.
16) i don't regret it at all.
17) i make pretty good mixes, and will make you one if you want.
18) i haven't done a lick of work all afternoon.
19) through 1998 or so, i had a copy of every neil young cd available in the united states, both solo, as part of csny, and with crazy horse. i've fallen off since then.
20) i rowed for two years in high school, and only won one race. that was nationals.
21) my favorite nonalcoholic drink is an arnold palmer: half lemonade, half iced tea.
22) i wouldn't say that i have a specific favorite alcoholic drink, but i am partial recently to stolichnaya orange and 7-up.
23) if you go far enough up the money ladder (its not even that far), i work for one of the companies i despise most in the world.
24) the most famous person i have met, i would say, is kurt vonnegut.
25) i asked him two questions, got him to sign my favorite chapter of one of his books, and then borrowed his lighter.
26) i have twice been caught shoplifting in my life.
27) from time to time, i still steal things.
28) i have survived cancer.
29) sometimes i am a compulsive liar, but everything i have written here is true.
30) i worry that i might not have the courage to step up to the plate when i meet the woman of my dreams.
31) sometimes i think to myself, "you're gay," but after much soul searching and whatnot, i have determined that i am not, that my head is fucking with me. seriously, its more of a "you're not good enough" thing than a "you want to fuck men" thing.
32) i have spent the last 8 months, and will spend the next 8 or more, trying to make up for several mistakes and problems in my past.
33) i was in love once, or thought i was, though it was high school, and who's to say what was what back then.
34) yes, i realize the above is a meaningless generic thought.
35) i have an idea called Generica. I'm not sure exactly what it does yet or how.
36) when i was a freshman in high school, my english teacher started class one day by commenting that there were often many ways to interpret a poem. then, handing back my paper on Philip Larkin's ""The Building", he said, "but sometimes you're just completely wrong."
37) Whatever I thought it meant, I argued it convincingly enough to receive a C- nonetheless.
38) In the fall of that same year, the same teacher approached me while I was warming up for soccer practice and asked me if I would be willing to come over to his house that weekend to help him move some furniture. I declined out of a fear of some sort of homosexual encounter occurring.
39) My grandfather taught this man to play golf, and he was a very well respected man in a very respected school.
40) Later that year, this man took a period of time off from the school year very suddenly, an incident which was never explained to me or anyone I knew.
41) I once called the substitute teacher for the period this teacher was gone by his first name.
42) I have, as my dad's ex-fiancee once said to me, a wine taste on a beer budget.
43) 100 things is a lot.
44) I have been Mac loyal since day one.
45) I wear size 13 shoes more often than not and currently believe my right foot to be a victim of plantar fasciatis.
46) Though I once wrote an erotic essay about teeth brushing teeth, that I read in front of the whole class, I hate hate hate brushing my teeth more than almost anything.

2002-03-06T13:58:00.000-08:00

wow, it has been a long time since i've posted here. good thing nobody is watching.

times are a little hectic. trying to get all my shit together to go abroad. trying to not self implode out of frustration at work. trying to realize here, that if noone else gives a fuck, it doesn't really behoove me to either.

had a first date last night, and it went well. we talked family and music and growing up wealthy and what that does to one's perspective on the world, and then why this silly little bartender wouldn't give us a deal even though she lived upstairs and there was noone else in there. we shot pool, she was better than i expected, and at the end, in a moment of personal triumph, i walked right by her, up to her, and kissed her right on the lips.

for which i received several more minutes of kisses on the lips, right there in the bar, right out there on the street, right there at her door.

yes yes, y'all.

2002-02-17T12:21:00.000-08:00

oh, to have noticed something slightly off kilter in the universe, or even moreso in my immediate neighborhood, something that would make for a witty post here, one that would indicate that i am perceptive, eloquent, caring, a hero to many.

alas, i haven't yet left my apartment this morning, and nothing here is new enough to me to warrant perception, i feel. perhaps simplistic, fact nonetheless. unless you counting duke losing to maryland just now, which i don't.

so we'll work on the layout here a little bit, try and get a better background pic and matching colors, try to play around with the spacing of things and all that.

it's been a boring weekend.

2002-02-15T15:52:00.000-08:00

yesterday i bought my friend emma flowers, and all the women in the office loved me. (emma is a good friend, a best friend, who i've known almost five years now, we work together now. she was saying she was going to buy herself flowers at lunch; i couldn't let that happen).

all i can say is, you have no idea how sweet i am to people who might kiss me in return.

2002-02-15T15:50:00.000-08:00

i read this morning that scientists are beginning to think that 8 hours of sleep a night is too much.

which sort of makes sense: it doesn't seem right to suggest that you should spend a third of what most consider to be a too short life sleeping. but the thought of sleeping less only appeals to me if i have more to do with my awake time, which i both do and do not. i could and should spend more time working on this site, i can take longer workouts, make more stuff for other people, read more. all of these i should do, but i also still value time sitting, doing nothing. i must value it if i persist in taking the time, right?

truth be told, i don't know that i do. the fact of the matter is that i am used to it, and have some strange fear of being a continually busy person. it all ties in with my view of life as a movie, the correlary being that in movies, you work up to a climactic moment, triumphant or not, and then have maybe a few minutes more and then you're done. you don't have to, unless you find yourself in die hard or something else prone to being sequeled, have to get up the next day and do it again. you work towards a resolution, you achieve the resolution, the credits roll. after the boy gets the girl, you never see how he has to work to keep the relationship going, the work that they both put in to maintaining themselves, the fights, the worry, nothing. boy sees girl, boy gets girl, boy and girl keep each other for life. i have spent years now trying to learn to see otherwise, to look for the long term, and it is starting to come into view, but its hard for me. i want just one guarantee that if i work hard towards a certain goal and achieve it, that i will hold on to the benefits of that effort without ever having to go back.

that guarantee is not coming.

so i get up each morning, but i sleep in as well. i keep trying and keep doing more, filling my time, looking for satisfaction in myself and not in the approval of others, which i constantly seek yet never trust. i push harder to succeed than i have in the past but for the time being at least still make efforts to not guarantee too much success. after all, i'm still doing it with the expectation that someone will see me and love me for it, and that guarantee is not coming either. until it does, i'm a little trapped in my own head.

dinner with my father next week. a semi random visit and the first time we will have seen each other in over a year, the first time since the debacle with the IRS began (if i had been writing this for longer, that would be great, because then i could link to an archive where i'd already explained a story i have no urge to explain now), the first time since the letters. i wonder if any of that will come up at all, or if we'll just talk about the eagles and other philly sports matters, and macintosh computers, like we usually do.

we now return to our regularly scheduled programming.

2002-02-12T15:15:00.000-08:00

more thoughts on hoop later.

for now, my profile, as deemed by colorgenics:

Enough is enough - and you feel that you've had enough for a while. You don't need any more battles. You just would like to be able to shout "stop" and experience a little peace and calm ... even if it be only for a little while. This doesn't mean that you need to cut yourself off from the rest of the world ... it just means that you are seeking some respite... some physical or emotional relaxation that could release some of the the tension and possibly reduce the internal conflict....

You are trying to improve your position and prestige, be it in your life or in your workplace.. Things are, at this time, OK. But they could be better. You feel that it is essential that you breakdown any opposition that could possibly lurk in the shadows ... You know that you are quite capable of achieving this set goal because you have to and because it is essential to your self esteem.

At times all of us would like to be like the ostrich...to be able to bury our heads in the sand...and let the rest of the world go by...but unfortunately you can't do just that...you have to face up to reality. A little peace and quiet would be most acceptable at this time...but if only one could turn a blind eye to the problems of the day!... Tomorrow is another day, and who knows... it could be "today", (not tomorrow) that could be the first day of the rest of your life?

You are an emotional, sincere and impressionable individual experiencing frustration and unnecessary stress... You are carried away by other peoples enthusiasm and looking for that idealised relationship, be it in a business or personal situation which you are able to share with a mutual depth of understanding.You have lowered your defences in the past .. and you have been hurt ... so you are now extremely wary of being exploited. You are still ready to trust people on condition that they are prepared to offer you proof of their sincerity.

You wish to safeguard yourself against criticism or conflict and to embed yourself in a protected situation. You are a difficult person to relate to and very difficult to please.

>> Rings pretty true, as far as I see it. enough is Definitely enough.

2002-02-12T15:13:00.000-08:00

beautiful sunny days in the bay area.

for as often as i think of leaving this area, there are so many things here that have fallen into place and would be quite difficult to replace or reinvent. most important among these has been a weekly basketball game that i go to on mondays. in many ways, this basketball game is one of the best things in my life, and ties together many different elements for me.

2002-02-06T23:20:00.000-08:00

well, this template is just wacky. i changed some of the (way too prevalent) singlie pixel images to blank orange backgrounds, which changed the bottom rows of my tables to green. i don't understand that at all, but it doesn't matter, because this is gonna get way stripped down when i have a chance.

bjork / hidden place, from vespertine.

2002-02-06T23:13:00.000-08:00

pure electronic modern electronics.

tonight, softcore propaganda on nbc and laundry. my first weeknight in the house since last tuesday, unless you count friday, when i was hanging out and drinking beer.

tomorrow, another day with the race fans, hoping less problems mount than more. i don't feel like i have the energy to deal with a problem filled year. on a better note, seven pages of options for the future, maybe some more time working on this. i haven't spent enough time looking at the template or the site to know where i want this to go, and i'm troubled by wanting/having to spend $12 to get rid of a design flaw. we'll jump off that bridge when we get to it, i suppose.

soundtrack: talking heads / dream operator, from true stories.

2002-02-06T15:26:00.000-08:00

weblogging, attempt three:

i have been reading other people's logs for roughly a year now, from kottke to bluishorange to lyd, among others that i read on a less consistent basis. and what i have discovered about them is that they all write in a way i find myself seemingly incapable of. my inclination is always to write grand, important statements, or nothing at all. these writers capture things of interest, in small moments, and find ways to make them universal and interesting. having never been one to keep a journal, i can understand why i may have not developed this technique, but it's something i plan to try.

what do i want out of this site? i want to see myself write better. i want to see myself imagine a better design for this than the template i created and use my html and design skills to make something looking good. i wanna put my time into something and eventually be proud enough of it, and involved enough with it, to start showing it to the outside world. someday, if all goes well, i'll even get it its own domain.